Darkness of a Broken Heart
by Wingzero 76
Summary: Asuka prepares to take her life in the aftermath of her second greatest loss. Sidestory to Rakna's "The One I Love Is..."


  
Wingzero 76 Presents  
  
Darkness of a Broken Heart  
  
A "Neon Genesis Evangelion" Sidestory Fanfiction  
  
Written by Jeremy Mullin (wingzero_76@hotmail.com)  
  
Based on the fanfiction "The One I Love Is..."   
written by Alain Gravel  
  
"Evangelion" characters and situations trademark and   
copyright GAINAX, all rights reserved, used without   
permission. Please don't sue, I have no money.  
  
(Set during chapter 11 of "TOILI". Kind of dark with   
some lime bits. You have been warned.)  
  
Part of me wonders why I didn't do this a long time   
ago. Back when the Angel attacked me at my weakest. Made   
me remember the horrible life I had tried to forget. Made   
me remember Papa, and... Mama...  
I can still hear her voice calling to me. *Come to   
heaven with me, Asuka...* The same thing over and over.   
It's enough to drive anyone mad, if they were weak enough.  
And that's definitely what I was. Weak. I wasn't   
strong anymore. Not after... *it* happened.  
That's probably why Shinji was so strong when I needed   
him to be.  
The thought makes me hesitate, makes me think about   
what I'm doing. Could I really do this? Leave him like   
this? After what we had shared?  
I can still remember that night. His face, his soft   
voice, his touch... the way he removed my clothes, his   
hands on my skin, touching me in my most secret places,   
soft and gently, not like the way I had made him touch me   
when we were at the lake... his kisses on my body, the   
pleasure and pain of when we became one... That had been   
the best part, the way we moved together, slowly and   
gently. In the past, I probably would've wanted it fast   
and hard. Maybe not. I'm not too sure. But that night,   
that way, was what I had wanted, how I had wanted it.  
Some part of me knows that it wasn't his first time.   
He knew too much, where and how to touch me. The way he   
knew how to try and pull out when the time came, before I   
stopped him and kept him inside. In the time that he had   
spent with Rei, surely there was no doubt that they had   
been together. Part of me is upset by that, that I wasn't   
his first. And yet, another part is glad that he was...   
"broken in", so to speak. He knew what to do, and where to   
do it, and how long to make it all last. And somehow, that   
helped me feel good.  
I want to feel that way again...  
I had left him when it was discovered that Rei was   
still alive. The way he ran after her, it was a sure sign   
that he seemed to love her more than he did me. So I left,   
so that I wouldn't be in the way. But as I wandered what   
was left of Tokyo-3, I began to think. Was that really   
what I wanted to do? Was I going to give up that easily?   
I had fought hard for him, and now that I had a chance, why   
was I going to throw it away? I had already lost EVA. I   
would not lose Shinji.  
So I went back. Back to the home we had shared   
together until events caused us to live apart. Somehow, I   
knew he was there. I envisioned in my mind what our   
reunion would be like. A bunch of tears would be shed, a   
lot of apologizing would go back and forth on both our   
parts. And maybe, just maybe, we would make love again in   
an endless cycle that would seal our future.  
I went back to the apartment, made my way inside, down   
the hall to his room where I knew he would be. Where else   
would he be, after all? He would be asleep, allowing me to   
crawl into his bed and snuggle with him like we used to. I   
slid open the door, quietly making my way inside...  
And I saw him. Lying in bed. With that strange girl   
I had never seen before. They were in each other's arms,   
under the blankets.  
And they were naked.  
I didn't need to see any more. Surprisingly, I didn't   
flee the apartment in tears like they would on some cheesy   
soap opera. Instead, I calmly walked out, almost like in a   
trance, out of the apartment, out of the building, out of   
the neighborhood until I was back in the ruins. I made my   
way to a building that was still, somehow, somewhat intact,   
complete with running water.  
And a kitchen full of utensils. Especially a lot of   
sharp knives.  
That's when I made my decision. Shinji didn't want   
me, and he didn't want Rei, either, it seemed. That hurt   
the most, I think. The fact that he wound up not choosing   
either of us for some total stranger. So I grabbed what   
looked like the sharpest knife and went to the bathroom.   
As the tub filled, I stripped completely, folded my clothes   
nice and neat on a chair. I got in the tub, knife in hand,   
and got ready to do what I felt I needed to do.  
I hesitate. And I remember. I make my decision. I   
feel no pain as the knife goes across my wrist. I don't   
wonder as to why. I'm no doubt so numb I either can't or   
don't feel it anymore. I'm so weak I can't even repeat the   
procedure with my other wrist. So I just settle back into   
the water to wait for oblivion to come. I stare at the   
ruined ceiling, random thoughts entering my head. None of   
them are of my mother, who I am emulating. Or my father,   
or of Misato, or Hikari, or Rei, or of my Unit-02.  
They're all of Shinji.  
A tear rolls down my cheek. And I whisper my last   
good-bye to my only real love. And I let the darkness   
come.  
  
End  
  
This was a bit easier to write than I thought it would   
be. Got it done in less than an hour. I must be getting   
better at this.  
This is probably my first attempt at writing something   
even close to a darkfic. If anything, it seems to come   
across as a sadfic. Even if the character does try to take   
her life, I won't try to classify it as a suicide fic.   
Part of me just can't see it that way.  
I had originally planned to write this as a full-blown   
lemon, with a flashback going to the end of part 9 when   
Shinji and Asuka make love. Alain, however, didn't want   
that. For his reasons why, go read his Author's Notes for   
that chapter. After writing this as a lime-ish story as   
per his suggestion, it seems to work better this way. And   
besides, lemons and dark/sadfics don't seem to mix in my   
book unless there's a rape involved. So to any hentais out   
there hoping for something more, sorry.  
For those who are maybe wondering about my "Ranma"   
series, "Double or Nothing" (all five of you ^_^)... I'm   
considering putting that series on hold for awhile as I try   
and revise it some. I know I'll get a bunch of "It ain't   
broke so don't fix it" mail, but a part of me feels it   
could be done better. So in the meantime, I'll work on   
other, more shorter projects. Don't worry. You will see   
"DoN" again, maybe better than ever (I hope).  
On a closing note, I'd like to thank the following   
people: Alain Gravel, for creating "The One I Love Is...",   
thus allowing this story (which he also pre-read for me) to   
be born; also Axel Terizaki and Godsend777 for doing their   
share of pre-reading. Finally, I'd like to thank the   
creators of "Evangelion", for making such a kick-ass anime   
series for this fic to be based on.  
Later...  
  
Updated notes: Made a few minor revisions, such as a   
few new sentences added and a couple changes in grammar and   
structure. And, of course, my new 'net moniker and e-mail   
address. Felt I had to do it, as I've become, IMNSHO, a   
stronger and better writer.  
The revision work on "Double or Nothing" is still   
progressing, albeit slowly. Hope to get it out soon, but   
I'm not making any promises. Further word on it as things   
progress.  
Later (again)...  
  
  



End file.
